be not afraid of shadows

i had an extremely vivid and elaborate nightmare last night. i rarely remember my dreams, and if i do they usually make very little sense and the point of view shifts from first to third person at random. sometimes i'll dream about eating a sandwich and then i'll be on a beach slapping someone with a funny hat and the transition will seem totally normal. last night was different. i remember everything in the dream, from the empty stairwell to the man with the rotting flesh who kept screaming, what is that, what is that, while pointing at the lesions on his body. and even though i woke up several times, whenever i drifted off again i would fall right back in the same story and it would pick up where it left off. seamless.

when i was little, i used to have nightmares all the time. intensely real nightmares that terrified me to the point where i was afraid to sleep. every night i would pray fervently, begging god to keep the nightmares away. god obviously had more important things to worry about, like gay people. almost every night, creatures and villains would torment me until i either woke up screaming or morning came and my mom shook me back to blissful daylight. my sleep didn't improve until i got to middle school, but as i got older the nightmares almost stopped completely. until now, it seems. just up until maybe a month ago, i slept like a rock. i could sleep through the fucking apocalypse. but recently i've been waking up at least once every night, usually with no recollection as to why. usually i'm fine, and i'll read or do laundry or clean. but sometimes i'll wake up screaming. sometimes i'll wake up with a jolt, gasping for air or pouring sweat, and even though i can't remember what i dreamed about, i can tell from the vague hint of memory that it was dark and troubling. even more strange is that i've been told i get violent in my sleep, throwing punches or elbows or whatnot. of this i have no recollection at all. i don't know what's going on with my sleep cycle, but judging from the dream last night, it seems to be getting worse. it's been a long time since i was afraid to fall asleep. the night looms ahead of me. but, at least i now have access to one weapon that my 5-year-old self did not: coffee.

i fear, i fear...