best thing about christmas

all the mosquitoes die.



we're barely past halloween, beloved holiday of rotting foliage and dead things, and already starbucks is trying to force us to forget. red cups with messages of holiday cheer? really? it's not even thanksgiving yet. i'm just not ready to move on, i'm just not ready for cheer, i'm just, i'm just.... oh god, anything but cheer, oh please god no!!!!!!!!

if starbucks employees start wearing santa hats and playing christmas music, i'm going to have to cram someone through the bean grinder.

"my coffee grounds look like brains!"
"at least it doesn't taste like ass. that's gonna go to that guy."

gee golly i'm in a foul mood. bahahahahahahumbug.



"God Bless Us, Every One!"

a public service announcement

Timothy: it came to me in a chocolaty vision

me: willy wonka

Timothy: no he wasn't in it

he creeps me out

7:26 PM i think his whole candy empire is a giant rouse for child molestation

7:28 PM to hide it i mean

7:32 PM me: hm...

i dunno

i would believe the oompa loompas getting molested

but children, i don't think so

7:33 PM Timothy: the oompa loompas are just there for practice

so he can pretend

it's a big deal when he lets outsiders into his factory

as demonstrated by the movie

me: that's fucking disgusting

Timothy: that's my theory

me: not funny man

oompa loompa rape

that's terrible

a travesty

7:36 PM Timothy: unicef intervened briefly, but left when they found out they were just midgets with too much spray on tanner

if only jekyll had a blog

i'm rather moody this week. life has been unusually stressful, but i'm not sure if the way that i'm responding to the stress is normal or if i am in fact unusually stressed. last night i felt like i lost my fucking marbles. now there are only 3 possibilities i can think of:

1. environmental factors are causing me to freak out. therefore the effect is temporary and i will return to normal once things clear up.

2. i am slowly becoming clinically insane. i've been suspecting this for a few years now, so i suppose it wouldn't be a total shock.

3. my birth control is turning me into a hormone-overloaded monstrosity, like sammy sosa or those freakishly huge chicken drumsticks they sell at associated.

i'll have to do some closer self-observation for the next few days before i decide which one of those options seems most true. in the meantime, i just wanted to warn people about my current state of mind, so you should steer clear lest i beat you to death with my cane and kick your bleeding carcass into a gutter.

success in circuit lies

the story:

Glenn Beck Loses Claim Against Web Site Creator's glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com

the letter:

Dear Mr. Beck,

As you are now aware, I have prevailed in the WIPO action that you filed against me. I write now to voluntarily relinquish the disputed domain to you, even though you did not win the case. My criticism of you has been amply made — in no small part, with your assistance in this case — and I have no desire to attempt to punish you personally beyond the levying the criticism itself.

It bears observing that by bringing the WIPO complaint, you took what was merely one small critique meme, in a sea of internet memes, and turned it into a super meme. Then, in pressing forward (by not withdrawing the complaint and instead filing additional briefs), you turned the super-meme into an object lesson in First Amendment principles.

It also bears noting, in this matter and for the future, that you are entirely in control of whether or not you are the subject of this particular kind of criticism. I chose to criticize you using the well-tested method of satire because of its effectiveness. But, humor aside, your rhetorical style is no laughing matter. In this context of this WIPO case, you denigrated the letter of First Amendment law. In the context of your television show and your notoriety, you routinely and shamelessly denigrate the spirit of the First Amendment. The purpose of the expressive freedoms embodied in the First Amendment is not to simply permit the greatest possible scope of expression, but also, in so doing, to also strive for excellence on the conveyance of ideas. Rather than choosing to strive for excellence and civi contribution, you simply pander to the fears and insecurities of your audience. And in the process, you do them, and us all, a great deal of harm.

Shame on you Mr. Beck.

Now that this case is concluded, I want to demonstrate to you that I had my lawyer fight this battle only to help preserve the First Amendment. Now that it is safe, at least from you (for the time being), I have no more use for the actual scrap of digital real estate you sought. I will voluntarily transfer the domain name to you now. The username is [redacted] and the password is [redacted].

Sincerely,

Isaac Eiland-Hall

Panama City, Florida

the conclusion:

marry me.

confessions of a taylor swiftomaniac

Timothy: she only sings about how boys don't love her

: and i'm like

: i love you taylor