"rape"

i've always appreciated the valiant efforts of the GOP to not only listen to and protect the american people, but also to push us to be better, tougher, stronger individuals. their tough love strategy is something that i truly admire and believe in, especially when it comes to certain female individuals who consider themselves to be rape victims.

now, let's be real here. is rape really all that bad? yea, sure, maybe. but if you're raped and end up pregnant, should the government care and offer you some help? the GOP's answer is, depends: was it forcible rape, as opposed to the other kind of rape? if someone punches you in the face, breaks all your bones, stabs you a few times, and then has sex with you, then we can all agree that you are a real victim and deserve some help. but if someone simply has sex with you without your consent, without leaving any marks to prove you were "forced," then you know what? cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it. sure, he may have impregnated you against your will, violated your so-called boundaries, utterly shattered your sense of safety and self-worth, and shackled you for the rest of your life to a weight of fear, anger, grief, and shame, but you don't have any broken bones. not only do you not deserve any help from your government, you don't deserve to consider yourself a "victim," or consider the trauma you endured to be real rape, or as whoopi would say "rape-rape."

but why stop at rape victims? we should extend this tough love to all those babies whining about someone doing something they don't like. i mean literally, babies. only children who have suffered forcible abuse should receive any government aid. did your dad beat you in the face until your cheekbones turned to sand? congratulations, you are a victim and deserve to be taken to a safe shelter. did your mom lock you in a closet for 24 hours while whispering through the keyhole that she thinks you're worthless and wishes you were never born? well that's not abuse-abuse so stop being such a whiner.

boehner says that it's time for the government to roll up its sleeves and get to work, helping the american people. which means that instead of finding better, more effective ways to protect americans from crimes committed against them, we should redefine these crimes altogether. if you think about it, not only would we have less "victims" to take care of, we would technically lower the crime rate. O_O

boehner, you are a fucking genius.