wear&tear

Taking the 4, 5 train every morning is starting to wear me down. I'm not talking about the MTA's endless list of excuses for being late or not running, the sporadic changes in service, or the overcrowding, although, yes it wears-- no, no--whittles away my sanity into a razor sharp RAGE. But that's a soapbox for another day. I just never expected to see myself this way... on a train at the same time every morning, every weekday (yes, in theory not in practice, whatever, bear with me) to get to work, and then back on the train at the same time every evening, every weeknight to go home and carry on with my life outside of work-- which is rapidly becoming just as boring an exercise. And then comes the weekend. And then comes Monday. And so it goes.

These days, I catch myself staring at the other employed people around me, taking the 4, 5 to either midtown east or the financial district, my stop. Briefcase or laptop bag slung over the shoulder, copy of the WSJ in hand, shiny shoes, blank expression. I think to myself, "I'm different. I'm not one of you. My top isn't the same color and material as my bottom." At least. Everyone looks like they're just getting through the day, not thinking about it, not sad or glad about it, just doing it because it's what they do. Functioning on weekdays, living on the weekends. Living for the weekendddd... yeah, not working. I can't just cram life into two-day boxes... it wrinkles. And the 5-day work week ain't gonna help me iron it out. I guess that's what's really wearing me down. Health insurance, easy schedule, salary... it's all great. But I've never been very good at doing things that I donwana, regardless of the payoff. I consider LOVING what I'm doing at any given moment to be the only worthwhile payoff-- not in my head, but in my heart, which is really stupid sometimes but hey, that's just my problem right? Oh, I'm in that vein again... I can feel myself hurtling toward compulsion. Let's all just cross our toes and fingers that it doesn't end with any regrettable decisions. Or arson.